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03 July 2016 @ 07:57 pm
A list of this year so far  
New Year's Eve
Gastric sleeve surgery

January through mid February
Off work for 6 weeks to heal from surgery

February
Back to work after being gone for 6 weeks

Mid March
Become incredibly insecure for some reason and am weird/clingy for about a week and eventually feel better. Also learned that Rob got selected along with a few others to go on a work trip to visit work's Northridge campus in CA. This made me incredibly nervous. Started having thoughts of him breaking up with me for someone else.

April 18
Gallbladder removal, and out for 2 weeks from work to heal

May 2
Back to work after 2 weeks

May 13
Out of town to visit Amy

May 17
Out of town for MCS

May 21
Zelda symphony that we decided to not go to because we were tired of going out and just wanted to relax. I think this was around the time I started to feel weird. Wasn't quite sure why, but I was just feeling weird.

Week of May 23
Apartment rehab. Our apartment was a mess, so my surroundings felt unfamiliar. The messiness of it all made me feel overwhelmed and uneasy. On top of that, I was stressed out because our two cats were going to have to be crated every single day, and trying to get them into their crates is stressful enough. After we got home the first day they started, on Monday, I came home to find that Bella had peed and pooped her crate. She never does that, and I felt awful because I know she must've been scared to do that. Because of this, I thought it would be best to board our cats to save them the stress of being crated every single day and having strangers come in making loud noises. We missed them terribly.

Ever since getting a new kitchen and bathroom, the apartment doesn't feel the same.

May 30
Anxiety attack. Had a scary conversation with Rob about weird and intrusive thoughts I was having out of nowhere about breaking up, and being unsure if I wanted to get married - was shaking uncontrollably during this talk. Absolutely NO reason for these thoughts! The following week was tough.

May 31
Rob came with me to see Dr. Nieto about my anxiety. She advised me to not make any types of big decisions, wanted to see me in a month, and gave me that month to see a therapist. She prescribed Lexapro, which I stopped taking after a week and a half because I thought I'd started to feel better.

June 4
Had an appointment for a haircut today and felt really weird. Didn't want to leave Rob in the morning, and was really irritated when I saw that she was straightening my hair because that meant I had to stay longer. All I wanted to do was get out of there. I think around this time is when I found Sheryl Paul's work with relationship anxiety. This has been somewhat helpful and comforting, but I'm still trying to understand the coursework, and how to look inside my inner self to find out what the root cause of my anxiety is.

June 10
Felt awful because I fell asleep for about 2 hours, and woke up to Rob being upset because of this. I asked him what was wrong and he said he wish I'd stayed up and spent time with him since he was leaving on Sunday. I apologized, but it didn't seem to help. We went to bed upset, and once I thought he'd fell asleep, I got up and went for a drive. Turns out he knew I'd gone.

June 12-18
Had been dreading this trip because of the previous scary thoughts I'd had about him breaking up with me. However, by the time the trip actually came around, I didn't really have these thoughts anymore. I was fine while he was away, missed him, but it wasn't unbearable because he facetimed me every night. Was really tired due to the time difference, but it was worth it. Was really, really nice having him back once I picked him up on Saturday.

June 25
Something that's been bothering me lately is having not visiting my parents this year yet. Usually, I would have gone for Easter or Mother's Day, but missed those. I carry a lot of guilt for not seeing them often enough. However, something that I'd been thinking about lately is that for the last almost 9 years, I hurt my dad with the way I left home. I got the guts to call him, and spoke to him about it. Turns out, he wasn't hurt. He was okay. He also is aware that Rob and I are getting married, and he had nothing bad to say about it.

I think that's it so far... But shit, I feel like I've been through the wringer, and only half the year is over. A lot of the time, I downplay how I should be reacting or feeling, but I'm a highly sensitive person, and I really need to quit chastising myself like the way I'm feeling is wrong, or bad, or I should feel guilty. No, I shouldn't. It's okay. It's okay to be scared before getting married! It's a pretty big fucking deal, Rose! You're sealing the deal, and saying yes to forever with the man you love. All my life, I've felt like it's bad to be sensitive, or that I should be ashamed, or embarrassed because I feel more strongly than most do. It's time to learn to accept that this is the way I am, that there's nothing wrong with that, and to learn self care specifically for my sensitivity. This means really allowing myself to decompress after feeling overwhelmed or stressed. If I need to sit in the bathroom for a while for some quiet time, or meditate in the dark in the bedroom for a few minutes, then that's what I'll do.

You're okay, and you're doing the best you can.